Thursday, 14 December 2017

Advent Calendar Day 14: Christmas Crackers

Love them or hate them corny cracker jokes have become something of a tradition. In 2016, UKTV's Gold compiled a list of the best Christmas cracker jokes of the year, and today I'm going to share the top ten. Please feel free to groan your way through them, and if you know any better ones do share!

Image: Pixabay: public domain photo

Here are the top 10:  

1. How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit? No Brussels.

2. What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About 5 minutes.

3. How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone.

4. I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas. I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out.

5. What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song? All I Want For Christmas is EU.

6. Why has Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet? Because she is sick of F.B and I.

7. Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at The North Pole? He couldn't get past Iceland.

8. Why are Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor? His cabinet collapsed.

9. Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says. The Queen replies: "63 years. Yes, that is a lot." 

10. What's the difference between the Clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump? Nothing, they're both a little orange.

I'm linking with Julie over at Julie's Scrapbook

30 comments:

  1. Ha, Ha, they're. All the ones I have read this morning have been different!

    Julie xxxxxx

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    Replies
    1. I'm looking forward to reading what everyone else did for this prompt. xx

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  2. HaHa! Nice up to date ones there Barbara....
    How about some old ones....
    “Who hides in a bakery at Christmas”?
    “A mince spy”.

    "What is Santa’s favourite Pizza”?
    “Deep~pan crisp and even”.

    “What do Elves learn at school”?
    “The Elf~abet”.

    "What's the most popular Christmas wine"?
    "I don't like Brussels sprouts".

    "What do vampires sing on New Years Eve"?
    "Auld Fang Syne".

    (To think l used to get paid for writing such rubbish). :).

    ´*•.¸(*•.¸♥¸.•*´)¸.•*´

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    1. I didn’t know you used to write these Willie…you must tell us more!

      I like the Brussels sprouts one. I've not heard that before.
      :0)

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    2. I mentioned it in last years guest post, at the
      bottom of said jokes...Yes! I used to summit quite
      a few...I used to get 50p for everyone used...believe
      me, they used to get millions! Yes! millions!
      Not only did l write new ones, but you can always
      change the odd word or two, to bring it up to date!

      One of my ALL time favourites is....
      "How did they know Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was
      born" ???
      "They had a weigh in a manger!!! :0).

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    3. I read every single word of that post (several times) but a while later I don't remember a word of it. Sorry Willie I will read it again when I get back from pilates.

      I love the weigh in a manger joke, but I always get distracted when I read it because Steven was 7lb 6oz when he was born. Funny how these things stick in the mind – I can’t remember what I did yesterday, but I still remember Steven’s birth weight. Right now where am I supposed to be going today? ;-)

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  3. Thanks for sharing, no cracker jokes over here! Hugs, Valerie

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    Replies
    1. I didn't know that Valerie - good job I shared some this morning then! ;-) x

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  4. I have never heard a Christmas Cracker joke before- so your list was all new to me. :) I have only experienced a Christmas Cracker once. Fun!

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    1. Hello Stephanie,
      They are just something I've grown up with, and they are now as much part of Christmas as turkey. They are often unfunny, but that doesn't really matter - we all like a good groan at Christmas!

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  5. I actually made some Christmas crackers once, but mine only contained confetti, a small gift, and a bad joke. Some of these jokes are so current, and not knowing some of the events, I didn't get them. But there were some I loved like the Queen joke and the Hillary one. I could bore you with the ones I came up with years ago when I made my crackers, but you would groan at them. SO great to read about this basically UK tradition as today's advent page.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Home-made Christmas crackers with confetti sound very festive. I would like to try making them one year. Lots of the jokes I shared made me groan, but its all part of Christmas, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

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  6. At last I've been able to get a comment box on the screen - don't know why I haven't been able to until now. But here it is, hurrah!
    I have enjoyed reading this post and will begin to read others shortly. I love these 'groan' jokes, they are such fun. I will look in again soon.
    Margaret P
    www.margaretpowling.com

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    Replies
    1. Thanks for persevering Margaret. I will be over to read more of your blog soon. Barbara

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  7. These are wonderful and I even understand the Brit jokes which I must share with a friend! I love crackers -- we do them every year and they really are the best! Delightful post, Barbara!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Jeanie. I hope your friend enjoys them.

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  8. Very amusing-especially(sorry, Barbara!)Willie's contribution.
    I am loving this Advent series!

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    1. No need to say sorry Colleen I agree with you. Willie is hilarious. :-)

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  9. Love them...hope you don't mind if I share themx
    Arilx

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  10. Oh, such wonderful English humour. I've always said it beats any other, but of course we colonials are of British stock, so it's in our genes (lol).

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  11. Smiling broadly. All are new to me - so no groans. And I loved Willie's contribution too.

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    Replies
    1. Smiling while not groaning is excellent and I agree with you about Willie's contribution. :0) x

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  12. We set crackers out on the table each Christmas, but the jokes inside are never as funny or as modern as the ones you've shared!

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    1. I’m not sure how the list was compiled, but they certainly found better jokes than we find in our crackers. We must be buying the wrong ones!

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  13. Love the jokes. That is a beautiful silver cracker.

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    1. I can take no credit for the silver cracker because the photo came from Pixabay, but I've enjoyed sharing it.

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  14. LOL! Very funny! That's a beautiful picture of the silver cracker too! Big Hugs!

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I really appreciate your comment. Thank you!
Barbara xx

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